Hawke's Journal
by SuperPencil
Summary: Marian Hawke decided to rebuild Lothering with the help of her husband Anders. It's 2 years prior to defeating Meredith when Fenris comes to visit Hawke. He's flustered and awkward, and oblivious Hawke doesn't understand what's going on at first.


**Tuesday, 18th of Kingsway**

_1343 hrs_ … Fenris was the last of my friends to leave my side, yet I was still surprised to receive a letter from him today. He's going to be near Lothering tomorrow, and I've decided to meet him outside the Chantry. I'm a little nervous. It's been a year since I saw him last, and I haven't quite forgotten the awkward embrace we shared. As far as I know, he's never actually hugged someone else.

_2215 hrs_ … Fenris was late and fumbling. I don't think I've ever seen him flustered before. He was happy to see me. After we hugged, less awkwardly this time, he asked to share stories over drinks. He's done a lot in just one year. Freeing slaves and killing slavers is his main goal for now, though. I told him about how Lothering's growing and well, but he seemed more interested in my personal happiness. I brushed it off but we talked for quite a while. We'll be meeting again tomorrow.

Ursula came by for dinner and brought news of Bethany. Being with the Wardens has made her so strong, she says. She's outshining her companions and making a name for herself. It made me very happy to hear about Bethany again. Hopefully Ursula will keep in touch with her commanding officers. She tells me very little in her letters still.

After dinner Anders and I took a walk down to the river. The air's already cold and biting. Anders is worried Clawford will run away, but I keep ensuring him that if we feed him well enough he'll stay. He always squeezes my hand when I do that. It makes me feel safe with him. Even though we still need to be careful, living in Lothering seems to be safe enough right now.

**Wednesday, 19th of Kingsway**

_0955_ hrs … I woke up at dawn to wash myself and Clawford. Oddly enough he seems to enjoy baths. Anders and I shared an intimate moment this morning after I'd dried off Clawford and sent him off his way. He stared at me with this odd look of awe and we held each other for a long time. I don't understand exactly what happened, but we had sex for the first time in two weeks after that. He's been happy all morning. Maybe he's really starting to settle in.

_1202_ hrs … I spoke with Anders after I bought stew for this evening, and he still seems just as happy. He told me about a new spell he'd learnt, and went off on a tangent about how the Chantry hasn't bothered him once. I really want to stay in Lothering. Everyone is so grateful for Anders and I having helped to rebuild. I know Anders knows that they all treasure him, but I don't think it's kicked in till now.

_1606_ hrs … Fenris is early for dinner. As I'm writing he's playing with Clawford. He looks grumpy, but I think he does enjoy Clawford's company. I couldn't convince Anders to eat with us, so he's napping upstairs instead. I hope one day these two can actually get along.

_2132_ hrs … Fenris and I had a long talk after we ate. It's so nice to have an old friend around. He and Aveline are the only old friends who reply quickly to my letters anymore. Varric has his important semi-legal duties and Merrill… well, she's Merrill.

When Anders woke from him nap I saw him poking his head out the door to check if Fenris was still there. I ignored him, but I asked Fenris if he couldn't let his anger against Anders go. Surprisingly, Fenris was civil about it. There was no ill intent that I could tell. It was strange to see him so… warm.

I decided to sleep early today, so I'll bring Clawford to bed and I'll likely wake up at dawn tomorrow too. Fenris is leaving in the afternoon, so I will make sure to send him off with proper food.

**Thursday, 20th of Kingsway**

_1001_ hrs … It's odd to have such peaceful days. Just two years ago I refused to let Meredith rain her crazy all over Kirkwall. Now I have Fenris visiting for stew and Anders is napping in a featherbed. In Lothering. If only mother and Bethany could've felt this peace.

Anders and I had sex again today. Or "made love" as he always says. He still insists on it… It felt new, somehow. Like he's reclaimed the true happiness and freedom he deserved from the beginning. He's finally got a place where not even Templars are wary of him. There are only two in the town so far, though. If Lothering continues to grow and more Templars come, I don't know if we can stay. The thought makes me queasy.

Gardening isn't quite my thing, I've realised. Ursula and Jacqueline promised it would be relaxing, but I never have the patience for it.

_1148_ hrs … I've spoken to Fenris and he seems nervous. We only spoke for a few minutes by the tavern, but I'm sure something is bothering him. I'll be talking to him in a few hours again, after I've made him food and spoken with a few of the townspeople about building more homes. Hopefully he'll feel better then.

_1422_ hrs … New house plans will be made with my help in a few days' time. There are so many people helping and more people are coming in every month. Old acquaintances and family friends are popping up and it's all beginning to feel like home again.

I saw Fenris talking to an elf on my way home. They looked like they were having a lively conversation. I never realised just how… alone Fenris always was. Even when fighting alongside his friends. Seeing him with another elf made me happy.

**Friday, 21st of Kingsway**

_1341_ hrs … A lot happened yesterday. When I went to give Fenris the food I'd prepared for him, he kissed me. I didn't know what was going on so it took me a second to pull away. I yelled at him. I walked away furious and boiling, but sad too. I don't know why I felt so sad. Perhaps because I knew how Anders would react. He asked me if I love Fenris and I left the house in fury. When I came back Anders apologised over and over until I hugged him.

I went back to the tavern to ask if Fenris had left, and the innkeeper told me he was in the back. Fenris spilled his feelings to me. "I've thought of no one but you", he said. He told me that he didn't expect to be so rash. He wanted to leave without me knowing. I asked him why, after having seemingly had no desire to harm Anders, he would make them stronger enemies. He was confused himself. "No one but you", he reiterated. I have no idea how to feel any of what happened. Fenris hasn't left yet. He stayed another night to clear his head.

_2019_ hrs … Anders has been grumpy all day. Not even Clawford can cheer him up. I've let him rant and cool off, but right now I'm in the bedroom trying to cool off myself. Anders and I both only wanted what was left of yesterday's pasta for dinner. We ate in uncomfortable silence. I may speak with Fenris again tomorrow to let him know I won't hold a grudge. Anders will, though, but I think he already knows that.

**Saturday, 22nd of Kingsway**

_0722_ hrs … I spoke to the builders again, and new people have joined them. It seems we'll be able to rebuild the castle should more people come in at the rate they have so far. Lothering is really becoming itself again. This time it will stand. Maybe we can even build it a wall.

_1045_ hrs … The innkeeper said Fenris had been up late drinking, but I woke him nonetheless. I couldn't say why, but I needed to see him again. It was important that he know I wouldn't be angry. He still seemed a little drunk… it was almost natural to hug him. I told him Anders would probably be okay soon. I'm wishing it sounded at least half true.

**Tuesday, 25th of Kingsway**

_1400_ hrs … I couldn't explain these past few days if I tried. Fenris knocked on my door on Saturday afternoon, wishing to speak with me. I knew Anders would be home soon, but I felt a sense of relief that he was away. We sat down in the dining room and he rested his forearms on his thighs. He apologised for kissing me. I told him that it was alright. His hair hung over his face, so I couldn't tell properly, but I could swear he was smiling then. He began acting awkwardly and mumbled about how he should've never let my support of the mages get in the way. I knew what he meant, but I denied it.

Fenris and I were still talking, about Kirkwall, about Tevinter, Lothering, and belonging, when Anders came back. He was fuming. He wanted Fenris to leave, but I told him to calm down, that Fenris is my friend.

Anders sat next to us in an attempt to make amends. He barely spoke and he was visibly angry throughout the remainder of Fenris' stay.

I really can't explain what happened. But the next morning I was wrapped around Anders with Fenris wrapped around me. I remember it as an explosion of anger and frustration, capped with… whatever happened. Anders kissed me in front of Fenris, and as I was pushing him away I fell into Fenris' arms. I think he was trying to catch me by the stomach, but his hands landed on my breasts. And… it's mostly blurry. I remember shouting and kissing and…

Fenris was behind Anders and Anders between my legs. When he moaned I felt the vibrations and moaned myself, triggering Fenris to get more excited, and it all went in a circle until we were all exhausted.

Fenris' hand was between my legs when I woke and my entire body went aflame at the thought of the night before. I removed Fenris' hand calmly and asked him if he felt like any of this was real. His lips were at my ear when he told me he couldn't stand to be without me anymore, and that this was as real as anything was going to get.

Now… Anders vents his anger with Fenris, we all join together once in a while, I make love with Anders, and I share wild passions with Fenris. And now their bickering doesn't seem quite so bothersome anymore.


End file.
